Dear Forester Staples

Don Staples dstaples at
Mon Oct 5 00:19:42 EST 1998

Hi, John, GEE, I hope I pass the test.  In reply, I only have one
question for you.  What do you do to support your computer habit?

Enviro Flyhigh wrote:
> My name is John and I am doing a survey on the information foresters may
> have and how much they understand trees.  The test is not about you its
> about what people are taught about trees to become a forester.  Please
> do not be offended. I was hoping you would help me out by answering
> these questions as simply as you can.  Thanks,  and if you need the
> answers let me know.
> Questions
> 1. What is a tree?

Large thing found in the woods.
> 2. Why are trees like big batteries?

> 3. Animals are regenerating and trees are generating systems.
> What does this mean?
Animals have more fun.

> 4. What parts do trees shed?

> 5. What do boundaries that form after wounding do?

Make California headlines on the injuries.
> 6. What are reaction zones and barrier zones?

Narrow area between loggers and greens.
> 7. What usually determines the diameter of a trunk hollow?

The size of the loggers pistol.
> 8. Define compartmentalization.

Holding cells at the PD.
> 9. What is CODIT?

The opposite of CODAT.
> 10. What do the 4 walls in CODIT do?

Hold up the CODIT roof.
> 11. What happens at the base of dying branches?

Pagan environmentalists pray.
> 12. Why are stubs harmful?

They pin environmentalists to the ground.
> 13. What are branch and trunk collars?

Latest in out door fashion.
> 14. What is the branch bark ridge?

Suburban branch of the main bark ridge.
> 15. Why are flush cuts so harmful?

They occur on the commode.
> 16. Contrast callus and woundwood.

Callus is what you get from working, woundwood is what you get
> 17. How do most deep internal cracks start?

> 18. What is wood?

That layer between your ears.
> 19. What is xylem?

Zena's horse.
> 20. What are parenchyma cells?

Power source for your parenchyma.
> 21. What are the symplast and apoplast?

The lasts for symp and apop shoes.
> 22. What do they do?

Nothing, environmentalists buy them.
> 23. What is heartwood? Protection wood?

First, fatal red wood branches, second, the nearest tree to duck behind.
> 24. What are the major features of diffuse-porous wood?

Don't have as far to fall on environmentalists than ring-porous wood.
Causing minor wounds.
> 25. What are the major features of ring-porous wood?

Have farther to fall on environmentalists than diffuse-porous wood. 
Causing fatal wounds.
> 26. Name at least 5 each, ring and diffuse-porous trees.

pine, pine, pine, pine, pine
palm, palm, palm, palm, palm
(you pick the species)
> 27. What are the major features of conifer wood?

Make good construction material and cut just fine.
> 28. What is bark?

What a dog does, and the occaisional environmentalist.
> 29. What is phloem?

What a creek does.
> 30. What is the cortex?

That portion of the brain seldom functioning in environmentalists.
> 31. What is the cambial zone?

That point in time when a Cambodian sports team is really hot.
> 32. What are meristems?

They hold up the meriflowers.
> 33. How do trees grow?

Up, usually.  Occaisionally sidewise.
> 34. What are wood rays and phloem rays?

What that aluminum foil on your head does not protect you from.
> 35. Describe 4 major activities of woody roots.

Woody Roots at football, basket ball, soccer, and base ball games.
> 36. Name at least 3 differences between woody roots and stems.

Hard to stem Woody when he's rooting, trick question.
> 37. Describe non-woody roots.

A case for Viagra.
> 38. What are root hairs?

Irratating when caught in a prophalactic.
> 39. What are mycorrhizae?

Never saw your corrhizae, and don't care to.
> 40. What does chlorophyll in leaves do?

Keeps their breath fresh.
> 41. What are buds?

Bunch of guys that hang out at the same bar.
> 42. How does new growth start in spring?

If i have told you once, I have told you a thousand times.  The farmer
goes into his field, and plants seeds.
> 43. What are flowers?

What your grandfather foolishly stuck in the gun barrels of the National
Guard at Kent State.
> 44. What are seeds? fruits?

Along with flakes, make up the major ingrediants of Granola Bars, the
State Symbol of California.
> 45. Contrast monocots and dicots.

Yo, mon on one cot, di on d'uder.
> 46. Give some unique features of tropical trees.

Duh! They grow in the tropics.
> 47. What are the unique features of palms?

They end in fingers.
> 48. Give at least 10 benefits trees get from their associates.

Warm and fuzzies, free drinks, if in the White House oral sex, nights
out, car pool, allibies, support for their projects, occaisional knive
in the back, and an occaisional shot at an environmentalist.
> 49. What is soil?

What appears in an environmentalists pants when the tree takes his shot.
> 50. Contrast photosynthesis and respiration.

In simple terms, one sucks, the other blows.
> 51. What are the 5 major ways trees use energy?

They are born, live, reproduce, commune with the Pagan gods, and take
out an environmentalists now and again.
> 52. What are the major elements for life?

An air conditioned hotel, bar, and night club.
> 53. What are fertilizers?

Those materials left over at a previouse EF!s'ers camp site.
> 54. What are the 3 basic ways organisms die?

Hit by equipment, shot by logger, or crushed by tree.
> 55. What is decay?

Apparently, what started the day after you were born.
> 56. What are forests?

Hide outs for out of work students that protest working men.
> If you have trouble with any of the questions, maybe
> you need to see TREE BASICS!

Nah, mate, maybe you need to see a life.
> john

Don Staples

Web Offerings:
For information on agroforesty, forestry, and the environment
in general, view the news groups bionet.agroforestry, and alt.forestry.

<< "Yes, the president should resign. He has lied to the American
 time and time again, and betrayed their trust.  Since he has
 admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through
 an impeachment.  He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out
 his term, the only possible solution is for the president to save some
 dignity and resign.">>
 - 12th Congressional District Hopeful William Jefferson Clinton, during
 the Nixon investigations in 1972.

More information about the Ag-forst mailing list