Desperately seeking Premat Conehead (wife-unit of Beldar, mother-unit of
Roger P. Hangarter
hangarter.1 at OSU.EDU
Thu Oct 7 22:56:24 EST 1993
We are getting desperate. Ever since the disappearance of Premat from the
Arabiflora party in August, life has been rather depressing around our lab.
Her charming daughter Connie, who was showing such great promise with her
2 dimensional art, is distraught. She hasn't been able to complete a
drawing since her mothers unexplained disappearance and has become distant
from her loving father-unit, Beldar (she appears to be blaming him for
Premat leaving the family). A few weeks ago, Connie ran off to live with
our dishwasher. Rumors have been spreading around campus that she has been
having 2 dimensional sexual encounters (apparently referred to in their
home country as 'honing her cone') with many of OSU's young students. We
would dearly like to have her return to her senses.
In addition to dealing with the pain from Connie's accusations and
rejection of him as a father-unit, Beldar has been traumatized by the loss
of Premat. They had been inseparable until the night of the party.
Beldar use to be a wizard in the laboratory, but now his only contribution
is to hold the dart board against his chest while we play our usual
afternoon dart game (perhaps hoping a stray dart will pierce his stately
cone and end his misery). This behavior and his increased consumption of
excessively vast quantities of beer is really getting on our nerves.
The investigation that has been conducted by the Arabidopsis Secret Service
(ASS) has provided some solid leads. It seems that Premat was abducted by
a group of Fiendish Arabidopsis Researcher Thugs (FART's) sometime near the
end of the Arabiflora party. According to the chief investigator from ASS,
an important clue was left by the kidnappers. It seems that several party
animals near the scene of the abduction reported a cheesy smell lingering
in the air in the vicinity of her last know whereabouts. Her purse was
recovered, but it was empty. Not even her cosmic cosmetic kit or conedums
were left. Although they have a variety of circumstantial evidence, the
investigators are in need of some physical evidence that will provide a
firm link between the crime and the suspected FART's. Please help us if
you have any further information. Beldar promises that a generous award
will be provided to the person or persons who provide information leading
to Premat's safe return.
We are confidant that the ASS squads will eventually capture the
perpetrator's of this extreme act of senseless violence against our
honorable dignitaries from France (at least that's where they say they are
from). With the help of the Arabidopsis community, we hope that we can
rapidly reach the end of this fiendish ordeal and the Conehead family unit
can return to their usually unusual activities. According to the chief ASS
agents, there is no place left for the FART's to hide, not even Wisconsin!
Your help in solving this mystery will be much appreciated.
The Hangarter Lab
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