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[FUN] Dumbest lab experience?

Dr. Duncan Clark Duncan at nospam.demon.co.uk
Mon Jan 1 05:43:39 EST 2001

In article <rpg14-A63289.21050529122000 at news.ic24.net>, the eminent
Richard P. Grant at www.ic24.net wrote
>> Not the Journal of Polymorphous Perversity 
>Now, come on, you can't just leave it at that.


I have two, now getting faded, photocopies of articles from said
'journal', copied from a lab wall copy maybe 10 years ago.



One entitled 'Understanding Your Doctoral Dissertation Committee: A
Survivor's Guide for Advanced Graduate Students' by D.L.Pierce M.A.


What your Committee Says                What Your Committee Means

I found the overall concept             This is a token compliment
interesting                             before I rip you to shreds

Explain...                              I have tenure. I don't need
                                        to think for myself

Your research is an interesting         Why didn't I think of this?
extension of my early work.

You failed to take into account         You failed to cite my article(s)    
some relevant research

etc. etc.

And the other one.

'Understanding Your Advisor: A Survivor's Guide for Beginning Graduate
Students' by Alan Feingold, Ed.M, Yale University.


What your Advisor Says                  What your Advisor Means

The students in our program are         The students in our program
competitive.                            stab one another in the back.

You're surprisingly honest.             Boy, are you naive!

This is only a suggestion.              Of course, I can also suggest
                                        you find another advisor.

Your paper is interesting and worthy    I want to make some trivial
of publication, but it first needs      changes - so I can justify
some professional polishing             putting my name on it.

And so on and so on.

Finally in the interest of dragging the level of scientific discussion
down and because it is Jan 1st and I am in the lab, yet again, try the
following as emailed to me:


1. Element Name: WOMAN

2. Symbol: WO

3. Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there)

4. Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and
may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if

5. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable.  Possesses strong
affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.  Volatile
when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns
slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

6. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion
of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.


1. Element Name: MAN

2. Symbol: XY

3. Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)

4. Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of
shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.  Difficult to find a
pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct
electricity as easily as young samples.

5. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time.  Neutralize
by saturating with alcohol.

6. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are
able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.

The problem with being on the cutting edge is that you occasionally get 
sliced from time to time....

Duncan Clark
GeneSys Ltd.
Tel: +44(0)1252376288
FAX: +44(0)8701640382

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