Night Before Christmas, Mad Scientist version
yersinia at GATE.CYBERNEX.NET
Mon Dec 16 19:21:05 EST 1996
This is on the sick side (to say the very least) but I wrote it on a =
dare from my now-fiance last Christmas. I predict that some of you =
will think it's too psycho, but others of you will enjoy it. I'll =
take my chances that you'll all think I'm nuts, and I hope you enjoy =
reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
A Mad Scientist Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and all thru my house,
Not a specimen was stirring, not even a louse.
The test tubes were capped and the rat cages closed,
The mold cultures fuzzy, the mice in repose.
The oven kept warm the ebola and pox,
I still need to locate my boyfriend=B9s clean socks...
But that has to wait till tomorrow, I know;
My buggies still need that much more time to grow.
When from the kitchen came a massive explosion,
I leapt from my bed in perpetual motion.
Grabbing my lab coat I pulled on my pants,
Struggling into them a sick sort of dance.
With fury and haste I put on a shirt,
Running out of the bedroom on feet black with dirt.
Buttoning my lab coat and donning a mask,
I ran into the kitchen holding an erlenmeyer flask.
I nearly passed out when the man who I saw,
dressed in containment gear sealed without flaw,
Held high a huge sack with his arm stiff and straight,
I could tell he must have a hard time with his weight.
Through the mike from his suit he said without pause,
"Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas, I=B9m Hanta Claus!"
Over his shoulder he hefted the sack,
We walked into the living room, I offered a snack.
He took it and smiled, placed the sack by my bench,
Instantly I noticed the Clostridium stench.
Brimming with joy, I cried out with glee,
=B3Did you bring all of these germies for me?=B2
=B3Oh yes,=B2 said Hanta, =B3I must show propriety;
By bringing you microbes, I=B9m saving society.
=B3You are the only one who loves these diseases.
Therefore I=B9m glad to oblige who it pleases.=B2
Delirious with excitement I sat by his side
While he gave me a year=B9s stock of microscope slides,
And pasteur pipettes, drug resistant bacteria,
Such as staph, strep and cultures from the genus Neisseria.
The gleam in my eyes caused the house to be lit,
The moment he gave me a gram-staining kit.,
Clostridium tetani, perfringens and sporogenes,
Salmonella typhi and Streptococcus pyogenes!
Plus viruses known to produce hepatitis,
Herpes, and rabies, yellow fever and meningitis!
But that was not all, he had parasites too,
Plasmodia, trypanosomes and schistosomes true!
Tapeworms and roundworms, plague-carrying fleas.
How sincerely generous, Hanta did aim to please!
At long last he said he must now go away,
His sled was experiencing radioactive decay.
=B3Thanks for the presents,=B2 I said, shaking his hand,
=B3They=B9ll keep me off the streets, you understand.=B2
Hanta Claus smiled and bid me goodnight,
Shouting =B3Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good blight!=B2
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