A mad scientist xmas

Yersinia yersinia at CYBERNEX.NET
Wed Dec 23 23:32:23 EST 1998

Ian Bruce writes,

<Dear Yersinia

I haven't seen your "Twas the night before xmas....."  Any chance of sending it on the newsgroup again this year.   8-)>

Hiya Ian,

Geez, I ran that (and some microbiological Christmas carols I wrote too) for a couple of years (I wrote "A Mad Scientist Christmas back in 1995 and started doing the carols in 96).  I thought people here would be sick of the stuff by now! That's why I didn't run them this year. However, I would be happy to oblige your request. Here is the entire collection to date (I wrote a new carol or two since I last posted these), but again I must issue my usual warning to the newsgroup: This stuff is hysterically funny but only if you're a mutant or otherwise bizarre. If you don't have a sick sense of humor and if you "gross out" easily, you're strongly advised to stop reading now. To Ian and you who are brave enough to continue, enjoy and Merry Christmas!

Infectionately as always,
A Mad Scientist Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru my house,
Not a specimen was stirring, not even a louse.
The test tubes were capped and the rat cages closed,
The mold cultures fuzzy, the mice in repose.
The oven kept warm the ebola and pox, 
I still need to locate my husband¹s clean socks...
But that has to wait till tomorrow, I know;
My buggies still need that much more time to grow.

When from the kitchen came a massive explosion,
I leapt from my bed in perpetual motion.
Grabbing my lab coat I pulled on my pants,
Struggling into them a sick sort of dance.
With fury and haste I put on a shirt, 
Running out of the bedroom on feet black with dirt.
Buttoning my lab coat and donning a mask, 
I ran into the kitchen holding an Erlenmeyer flask.

I nearly passed out when the man who I saw,
dressed in containment gear sealed without flaw,
Held high a huge sack with his arm stiff and straight,
I could tell he must have a hard time with his weight.
Through the mike from his suit he said without pause,
³Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas, I¹m Hanta Claus!²
Over his shoulder he hefted the sack,
We walked into the living room, I offered a snack.
He took it and smiled, placed the sack by my bench,
Instantly I noticed the Clostridium stench.
Brimming with joy, I cried out with glee,
³Did you bring all of these germies for me?²
³Oh yes,² said Hanta, ³I must show propriety;
By bringing you microbes, I¹m saving society.
³You are the only one who loves these diseases.
Therefore I¹m glad to oblige who it pleases.²

Delirious with excitement I sat by his side
While he gave me a year¹s stock of microscope slides,
And pasteur pipettes, drug resistant bacteria,
Such as staph, strep and cultures from the genus Neisseria.

The gleam in my eyes caused the house to be lit,
The moment he gave me a gram-staining kit,
Clostridium tetani, perfringens and sporogenes,
Salmonella typhi and Streptococcus pyogenes!
Plus viruses known to produce hepatitis,
Herpes, and rabies, yellow fever and meningitis!
But that was not all, he had parasites too,
Plasmodia, trypanosomes and schistosomes true!
Tapeworms and roundworms, plague-carrying fleas.
How sincerely generous, Hanta did aim to please!

At long last he said he must now go away,
His sled was experiencing radioactive decay.
³Thanks for the presents,² I said, shaking his hand,
³They¹ll keep me off the streets, you understand.²

Hanta Claus smiled and bid me goodnight,
Shouting ³Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good blight!²
Hark! The Streptococcus Brings
(Melody: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing)

Hark! the Streptococcus brings 
Strep sore throat to all who sing,
Chloraseptic doesn¹t cure it
Other people¹s sneezing lures it.
If the strep bug has a virus
Scarlet fever then arises,
Hark! the Streptococcus totes,
Toxin and fire to all it smotes.

Pneumonia makes you cough and wheeze,
Mucus fills the lungs with sleaze
A viscous greenish oozing cloak,
That causes you to gasp and choke
Without water you can drown
If you breathe the strep germ down
Hark! The Streptococcus breeds
The misery of a bad disease

Of fecal strep in food beware,
Methane gas befouls the air,
Speedily you drop your pants
As if they held live fire ants
On the toilet you are dying
Bent in pain, guts liquefying
Hail! the Streptococcus means
Glory to those who would be lean
O Humid Night
(Melody: O Holy Night)

O Humid Night
Anopheline mosquitoes
Are circling you in the hope of a meal.
She takes a bite, saliva from her mouthparts
Drool parasites which you can¹t see or feel

Trophozoites become merozoites
Schizonts nest inside your red blood cells

Fall on your knees, 
Pale, burning with fever
Are in your blood, were in your spleen
There¹s no real cure, just in your dreams...

Your brain can get sick,
You will have a coma
After the rage and the headaches have passed
You¹re veggie soup, home to protozoa,
Mosquito lands, time to go home at last..
O Tetanus
(Melody:  O Christmas Tree)

O Tetanus, O Tetanus
You little soil bacillus
O Tetanus O Tetanus
Gram positive rod that kills us

Clostridium, flagellar ³tail²
I found you on a rusty nail

O Tetanus, O Tetanus
Tetanospasmin bearing
O Tetanus, O Tetanus
This time of year I¹m sharing

I cannot move
My jaws are locked
My back is arched
I¹m stiff with shock

O Tetanus, O Tetanus
A lovely gift for Christmas
Hanta Claus Is Coming To Town
(Melody: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)

You better watch out
I¹m telling you why
A virus will get you
You¹re gonna die
Hanta Claus is coming to town.

He¹s got these cute little mice
So fuzzy and sweet
Watch out not to breathe 
Just when they excrete
Hanta Claus is coming to town

He knows when you are sleeping
He knows when you¹re in pain
He knows if you¹ve been throwing up
So for goodness sake don¹t faint

Your blood pressure¹s up
Your head really hurts
That rash makes it hard to put on your shirt
Hanta Claus is coming to town.
Away in a Test Tube
(Melody: Away in a Manger)

Away in a test tube
My plague cultures grow
On nutrient agar
Mankind¹s greatest foe

It¹s easy to grow them
If one does it right
At thirty-five Celsius
All day and all night

Once they are ready
You can let them go
To sicken the masses
With pus-filled buboes.
Will You Catch What I Have?

(Melody: Do You Hear What I Hear)


Said the scientist to the little child,
Will you catch what I have?
In this glass pipette, little child,
Will you catch what I have?
The flu, the flu, this virus will like you
It will make you turn dark blue
It will make you turn dark blue.

Said the little child to his family,
Will you catch what I have?
Coursing through my blood, my dear kin,
Will you catch what I have?
Bubonic plague, the septicemic kind
You will die and you won't even mind
You will die and you won't even mind.

Said the father to the neighbor man,
Will you catch what I have?
Growing in my skin, neighbor man,
Will you catch what I have?
Leprosy, covering my rump
Now my skin falls off in clumps
Now my skin falls off in clumps.

Said the neighbor to the people of the town,
Will you catch what I have?
Spread disease, people everywhere!
Will you catch what I have?
Gas gangrene, stinking in the night
It will kill us with all of its might
It will kill us with all of its might.

"A good microbiologist must always B. cereus."

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