Memory Disorder

Cijadrachon cijadra at zedat.fu-berlin.de
Wed Dec 30 16:03:29 EST 1998


Happy New Year!

>Dear Sir or Madam,

Neither, I'd say.

How about "at times not very dear Semiautist Smurf"?

>Please find enclosed my memory results.

I notice that they are very structured, which if the front was totally
off-line they could not be.

Also the words look better than what I write at times, where after
some concussion words have a tendency to (not) pop up or scramble and
in the start even swapping positions or taking in letters of other
words, though after some months of training I got it better and the
rest seems slower to get rid off, though I do not bother that much any
more, as the current error rate is not that bad compared to what  it
was like in the start.

If I am just myself I cannot do structured talk, for that I need the
langauge structurer, and I have the I.Q of about a rabbit if the front
goes off-line, where also detail memory is.

But I have a base system and there seems some internal relation there,
that I deleted knowledge about in myself because I was pissed off
about someone and basically to him I implied that there might be no
others who have it and that then he might never get it.

But there are others with what is called MBD (minimal brain damage) or
MCD who are taking blocker drugs like LSD is also, and maybe with good
luck if you find one with autistic tendencies who does so, you might
get data from him about that.
Those called autist who are MBD are often docking off because they do
not have the capacities to process too much external data coming from
other stations in the brain to their systems.

If it is too much in order to comply with demands of humans around
they possibly arae running the seqeuncer off-line, which is a bunch of
areas supervising motoric programs, so that then all must be in the
same place for them, so that the sequencer, who is working a lot on
sort of automatic programs, can steer the systems alone.

I tend to shunt out motorics and optics.

The more the person is used to shunt out the data of other areas of
the brain and at need to signal jump, 
sort of blending in certain inputs and steering for them with the few
tracks they  have left, and then shut down uptake nd shift to others,
the more likely I find it that if they are taking a drug like LSD that
they are gaining so much internal steering power, that possibly if
they are interested they might be able to observe well stuff inside
that many others cannot.

Probably this is not good advice, as you might forget anyway,
but if you are very lucky you  might find one of them who is a
sublimbic segregator.

There are very few I met, and some of those have data that might help
you.
 
Already at limbic shortcircuiting the colour for me went to sort of
greyish. When first emotion generator, which is sort of my amygdaloid
my neighbour in the brain, was shunted out, as far as I recall it was
still that sort of grey.

I can not tell  you with Westie words what that means, but it is what
I thought when I read what you said.

Annoying I deleted most according data, as there was sometimes for
seconds a stage where I can speak but do not have memory access,
that, if I still could recall the other stuff better  
and combine the two in some odd form, 
is the closest internal "matching" I get to what you say.


(Thingie is I wanted to annoy some neuroshrink, and I also knew that
that is to do with access memory and other data in the brain.
And that neurology is doing energy vampiring in the I areas of persons
of other mammal races and suspected that the data of their murders and
cripplings might some day be used for satellite mind control, so I
thought that if I delete whtaa I know, then there is one left who can
see to that in my lifetime they get very far in subatomically scanning
from satellites through my ceiling and hammering even more artificial
ranges through my systems than now and better tuned than the cancer
shit they have now.
I figured even  if they try it, without certain keys they might not
get very far further than me on sense enhancers magically being
scanning energies of another student of magic 's brain.

I did not have all the "keys" but of  those I wanted gone those were
the  ones I wanted most desperately to get rid of and stopped calling
data up aabout.

Do not have your memory defects but more MBDish ones, and then a sort
of restructuring concussion on top and then LSD and other drugs also
deleting stuff, and I saw to not calling up detail data about that and
I seriously lost nearly all I once knew about that and a load of other
stuff that seems no problem to do with you though, but was to do with
other memory system stuff that seems O.K. with you.

I do not exclude tht ther ight be MBD LSD brainsurfers who can
subsegregate far enough to know a little,
though that would not remove the problem as such.

Might give cholinergic limbic and connection insights, though.)

>It has only been found in the last year and a half that I have got a
>memory problem, but I have suspected if for most of my life.
<--- contradiction --->
>- I have very little memory of most of my life, I can't remember my 
> childhood, adolescence,my 20's etc.

>- I am not on medication.
And consider well that if you stick some stuff in sometimes  own stuff
is altered / downregulated  in RE.

>- The memory problems apply to both emotional and non-emotional
>events.
(Lack understanding about the main emotiongenerators and storing,
but I know that certain accessing is so tricky that I know only few
people who in aware form did some of it, and if you had you might
discern between different emotion generating areas in the brain, which
you do not. Might be pretty irrelevant anyway. My first guess would be
that maybe someone asked you this and that is why you mention it?)

>- One of the places doing the memory test said that it could be due to
> attentional deficits.
 And what do you believe concerning that?

>Day to day living;

If it is any solace to you I still feel upset about what some people
did when I was a child or older, maybe ata least you do not have to
deal with as much of that.
And maybe are also less sad then when people die, because you'd forget
fast, which can have advantages.
;-)

>- I can't remember anything about my family members, my father died
>when I was 18, my sister when I was 30, but I have no memory of either

That IS odd.

With me I tend to forget the years that people died and a lot about
when was what, but that as such it was there I know, 
and - though often rather pictureless as for me the world around is
usually not perceived or more like some distant haze - I tend to still
recall stuff about them.


You still seem to know that you had a sister.

To me that  sounds like some data might be there.
With my brother I still vaguely recall that I taught him a lot about
how to read and he me later how average humans drink which I found to
taste less well than my way, and some quarrels we had, and stuff like
that.

Maybe it would be easier to ask: What do  you remeber?

Like about your sister?

>- I cannot picture things in my mind, 

Joint the club. :-)

I guess for me it would  take ages even for real simple stuff
and then it might be ways fro perfect when visualized, but still
rather hazy.

Some MBD folks have had odd stuff around birth. Ways to early or late
or trouble at birth.
(Not sure about spelling:)Encephalites as a baby.
Mother taking damaging drugs in pregnancy.
Or some such stuff.

>lack of recall applies to all  senses.

Any difference concerning smell
or the taste of a lemon compared to that to that of a strawberry
banana?

Do you recall your dreams?

>- My language is vague and general to make up for the lack of memory.

;-)

>- I often go into rooms and forget why I did.

Sounds familiar.

>- I have no idea if things happened last month, or last year
>- I can't remember what I did 10 mins ago,today,yesterday etc

The next I have touble with, too...

>- I can't seem to make internal maps, ie I have no idea of the local
>street names nor orientation.

...but that's to do with room thinking, imaging, 
bothering to store names (and being bad in that).

And orientation does the sequencer for me.

If you go to auto-pilot for places where you have been often, can the
auto-pilot/sequencer find it?

(From what you said I would first have guessed that it can,
as it has independent learning and recording and some mior thinking
capacities.)

>- I seem to be living in a confused fog, where memories are like black
>and white, 

Interesting.

Sequencer recording seems not to care for colour, but I tend not to be
able to get at it.

Within magic perception I noticed  that colour perception / transition
of people is extremely different. 

>blurred snapshops appearing out of sequence, and then that
>sequence
> overwrites the original dating process.

Could you write a lot more about that?

>- I constantly make lists, have tried association and most memory
>enhancing tools, 

Else I would have suggested to keep trying to ask yourself all few
minutes what you did.

Like making making a coloured   X  on a  piece of paper on your fride
or next to the window or another place and then ask yourself which
colour it was, and then later again,
and see how long "you can keep" it.

Like maybe a green one,
and later a yellow and a blue one next to each other..

>but feel that I am treating the effect rather than the cause.
Yes.

>- I am searching desperately to find the cause of the problem, 

Guess that  make not make sense to you, in odd words.

I surface, start to be aware what is outside, but there seems no
memory.
I maybe comment frustrated 
(not possible when "I myself" was off-linked in the  times before the
concussion where I did that sometimes on LSD),
say:"Hello brain?" ...  (Ways to long time, any  second there ways too
long, tells me something) ... "Anybody home?"

There is a transit.

( X )

Suspicion to do with the hippocampal areas.

When it is finsihed I get the data.

---> Where the X is, and maybe something physical.


I deleted detail data about such stuff.
And even if you found one who gve it if it were physicl it'd still not
be away.

>and if anything (medically) can be done to help.
>- I would like to have a top down objective approach to the problem as
>over the years I have had many totally differrent subjective diagnosis.

I am the wrong address, am LSD teacher and subjective like hell.

And even if you had wanted subjective approaches and had organized Red
Dragons and stored them the right way for years till they could be
used for such,
I am an old coward at times, and am not sure if I really wanted to
alter your brain magically and maybe thata of some of  your firends
suited for such and show you how to aim into their I to compare the
data and ask them what they perceive within you compared to the
others.

I believe in that if I link with other structures subatomically that
stuff within me chances and am not overly out for connecting on levels
like needed for that to possible error structures,
as my brain is weird enough already.

>To me the plan would consist of
>	Structural scans 		CT - ok	
>	Functional scans		EEG - ok
>	Neuro-transmitter levels	Catecholamine Fractational
>test ?
>	Hypnosis ?

Learn what the author Carlos Castaneda calls "seeing".
Then at least you cn perceive more and later tune parallel to better
functioning brains if the owner is going for that and suited for that.
(Just some humans seem to be able to gain enough brain akasha
perception.)

>Looking for help;

Sorry, would need old  Dragons and several sessions where I like weeks
between to recover from the drug, and thta would just be to know if
you cn get I-akasha-perception and then tp program your brain so that
you can program yourself other brains to link to,
and how to aim for I area subdata I could not teach you much about,
because for me the other I is not just like some external usage area
like occpital akasha, and I like often used other brain akasha to give
me more tuning powers and more perception tracks for the room,
because that seems not just  M BD but quite-a-bitBD in me.
For that I do not need to run personal intrusions in the other,
and you'd need to  find people who re not scared of such with you,
and according targetting power.

If there is something just a bit off then maybe it can be fixed more,
but if there is something very basic fubared, then that might not help
either.


... Just thought I mention it.

If you ever learn "seeing" aim till the face of the other cannot be
seen on deflective ranges anymore and aim for
the own and the other's back of the head, 
and get the main transformer banks to synch,
and then make the third eye on white ranges more towards solid and the
backs of the head on the transcending ranges.

Behind the third eye but more down, and quite a ways deeper within,
there is a unit of brainakasha that is sort of rippling then the other
is thinking.

You need to aim within yourself for the same areas.

There are more sophisticated way to get there, but that is the
easiest.

I can only do it on LSD and not with all brains, and I need enough to
transit autist, which is usually about 2/3 more than the amount needed
that after about 1 1/2 hours the pupils gate to full size.

When taking more than another of such a third, then the front
off-lines too much and concentration goes down too much,
stuff in the basolateral part of the amygdala is reaching
"hights"where if you are not far enough for LSD it is getting
extremely dangerous, and hallucinations are hard to keep out.

Don't know if you should ever try that, just thought I mention it.

If I were you I'd probably take a train to near Real de (?) Quatorze
in Mexico and go to Wadly and just out of curiosity stick mescal into
me once. (Should you ever try do not do that more often than twice,
that stuff seems to make real quick addicted and is a
"mad-maker-drug".)

The stuff makes a lot different within.

But even for the unlikely case it should make something positive
different, then do not take it more than twice and then leave many,
many months between. That stuff  is dangerous, and if andything would
be more a way to uppen kick lot of systems to work different including
causing perception and recording alterations and see what that is
doing, and maybe learn from it.

>- If you know of;
>	any places doing research into memory, 

Watch that whom you ask is aware that there are different systems.
If it is someone who seems to believe that there is just one, do not
trust them.

>attentional problems,

If  you attention was totally fubared I doubt that you could write as
structured as you do.

>or brain research in the UK or EU 
I am nor sure if you make a mistake by just going for the sense
censored areas
and are totally leaving out those who are telepathically conatcting
each other via hundreds of km of distances
and know a lot about energy alterations and contexts and other areas.

But that is your choice.

If it were me I'd try to get at all hippocampal & connected data that
I can and learn enough magic and get the right stuff to link with
people and try to link there and then go very passive and try to
"mirror" as fr as I can and ask them if they could change between
calling up memories and then perceive me myself if they can and my
occiptal energies, and that for hours and maybe many sessions and with
different people if I could get them to do that.

Which is tricky, as even fastest speed I  tend to need to sessions
before they are far enogh for such a thing and not all seem to be able
to be taught enough about brainakasha-linking for such.

And then I'd plague psychiatrists for stuff that I suspect to do with
the hippocampal areas and maybe also for (???) temporal stuff if I
cannot even look at a Dr. Pepper can and turn around and know that I
just saw one. Though I do not know about the temporal cortex areas and
functions.

(There is a telepathic akasha game that I recommeded Cheng to play,
where you stare at the halo around a flame for a while.

Best at a candle about a meter away at nose height,
with you and the other to the side of it and about 1.40m for each
other with room still behind both of  you.

After some minutes you turn to focus your eyes though those of the
other but without really paying much attention to his face, take in
the  surroundings on blurry ranges, too, and  project the after image
with the halo to where the tip of his nose is and when you both have
it then move it very slowly to the middle and hold it there.

When you move it perception and recording are doing some stuff there
that I find fascinating, though I cannot really get it into words,
but I nagged Cheng a long  time back then to try that one,
as it was something where I thought he should perceive that one as he
had a questions that were to do with the processes of how the two
brains do that, and "seeing" them he might have understood better,
and after understanding some other stuff have left out some errors
that he is doing.)


... I'd just want of a substance about six of them, and  in a form
that one can open the capsule or break the tablet, and then taste the
stuff and guess poisoning degrees, and then wait two hours after
taking about a quarter of one,
and then stick in the rest, and later maybe uppen the dosage quite a
bit over what is said but so that it does not seem to damage too much
and look for what it seems to be damaging, as with stuff I tried I
noticed that long term damages and that can have interesting
correlations.

And before I'd read the side effects and addiction dangers.

With all substances I myself produce I'd also be worried about
production changes or receptor-molecule changes due to the external
inputs causing unnaturally high levels being "counter-regulated".

If taking one it might take between five days and 2-3 months till the
stuff is out enough to not have back effects when dumping in other
tuff.


If doing such too often it might also be pretty bad for filter organs
and other organs.


But maybe I'd perceive something from that.


And if I were into killing other persons of other races,
I'd go to a slaughterer and explain the problem and ask if I can have
the hippocampal areas and others that I am interested of the brains of
different mammals, and then go for uncooked Frankenstein meals where I
might even try to chew the stuff as little as I can and sort of gobble
it down without having been attacked too much by my saliva,
and then watch if that made any difference.

When living with cannibals a human brain freshly slaughtered would of
course be preferable, but others are so similar to us that I'd figure
that if it were just to do with some substance, that maybe it is in
there, and then the levels might raise.


Heard that some in Asia get high by eating the brains out of a monkey
while he is still alive,
guess if we are so similar, then the stuff released in death might
give some morally totally gross but interesting kicks for the Homo
SAPIENS.


>If you want any more info
Read questions above.

>MEMORY TEST RESULTS
Don't know those tests.

But maybe it does not matter, as I pretty much told you what I wanted
to say about what you said, and more might not change that,
apart from giving me hippocampal recollection power indications, that
might be important, but then again are also not changing the problem.

If you should not be able to change it worrying about it might not
help either.
Some are blind, some have no legs, some are so handicapped  they
cannot talk and someone told me he saw a child in India who had had
the hnds chopped of when younger and had a can in between to make more
money begging, probably so that the family could survive better.

I sometimes cheer myself that stuff could be ways worse than it is for
me.

There is something to being able to take two steps at once passing
some old granny clinging to the rail, 
and I might find myself there faster than I want, too.

:-) 

Outside there's fireworks on and off going off, and the human city
vibes kept making me restless, and two should ring here soon and we
want to be off to some other place to party.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!


Ciyadrachon



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