so 'you' want to know 'what gives'?

ken collins kckpaulc at aol.comABCXYZ
Sat Oct 23 20:31:29 EST 1999

so 'you' want to know 'what gives'?

i'll tell you a bit about that.

i grew up with a big heart, but extremely-naive with respect to the ways of the
world. and, as a result, i tend to get things sorted-out things 'the hard way'.

for a long 'time', i tried to 'hide' my perpetual 'embarassment' with respect
to such, then, as i've explained, both online and off, i 'died'.

it was a blessed 'death' because, i'd come to know very-well, before i 'died',
what needed to be done... such knowledge goes-hand-in-hand with the long,
excruciatingly-slow, 'slide' into the 'dying'.

but, after i'd 'died', i found myself 'born' in a new Freedom... since i was
already 'dead', all the stuff that 'normally' 'inhibits' folks... prevents
folks from just doing what needs to be done... had no 'hold' on me. (it's the
tacit 'threat' of 'social sanction', that folks use against each other, in
blind 'effort' to assure that each will 'tow the line', that's the main thing
that blocks folks' ways with respect to jst doing what needs to be done.)

but, since i'd 'died', such 'social sanctions' were little more than so much
nothingness to me. yeah, the 'social sanctions' still 'sting', but that's all.
having 'died', there was nothing more that could be taken from me (although
it's 'amusing' that there're some who still seek to take whatever they think
they can take from me. what's 'amusing' is that i see them spending huge
treasures, 'endeavoring' to take stuff from me that's
relatively-just-a-few-pennies stuff. it always 'stings', but i just laugh at
the rest. i'll give 'you' a few examples... 

back during the 'Terrible-Days', before NDT imploded to unity, the effort was
always trheatening to 'cave-me-in'. so, periodically, i'd break-off,
tie-one-on, and go dancing. i used to Love to dance, with a willing partner, to
old rock-n-roll. it all changed, one night, when, while we were out on the
dance floor at al local, just-borderline-'respectable' place (my favorite kind
of 'let-it-all-go place), and a woman with a camera came up to us, grabbed my
date by the arm, spun her around, and snapped rapid-fire pictures of us, there,
out on the dance floor. by that 'time', i'd become used to this sort of thing,
with respect to myself... things like it were routine in my life, and although
i thought such stuff 'pretty'-brazen invasions of my Being, i pretty-much just
shrugged them off. but =this= 'time' they attacked my date, 'two', and i felt
something deep-inside being taken-away from me... just stopped going dancing
after that. it hurts too-much when others are subjected to Cruelty because
they're, simply, in my presence.

the sorrow with respect to such grew to the 'point' where i stopped dating

another way i'd 'let-it-all-go' was to 'just' get schnockered, and do a
'small-town-Saturday-night' thing (only, mostly, on Friday nights). every now
and then, i'd get arrested for being a 'drunk and disorderly' person. i
couldn't explain that i was 'just' saving my Life. but the arrests were
reported, and folks who knew me came to 'see' me only through the 'lenses' of
the arrest reports. nobody knew that i was already more than a decade into my
deadly War against the "Beast", on their behalves. (it's why i tend to be
'hard' on Journalists. i know they =have to= report the arrests, but it's
always seemed an injustice that they so dutifully report the arrests, and turn
a blind eye upon the context out of which they arose. i was pushing so hard
because i just wanted my Mother to see, before she lost her eight-year battle
with cancer, what i'd done with the stuff she gave me... just wanted to give
her some Son-Joy before she succumbed. so i pushed hard, and a little Miracle
happened because i was so induced, by Love, to push so hard.

later, folks who'd obviously taken the 'time' to 'research' a bit, would
cruelly-besmirch my Mother's name, in online 'places' by knowingly inserting a
curruption of 'voi la' into msgs directed toward me... not so 'amusing', but
fully-disclosing of what was, then, in the posters' 'hearts'.

it's always like this when i'm online. folks here in bionet.neuroscience have
witnessed as much.

it came that the only thing i could feel was Sorrow on behalf of the folks
who've resorted to such.

i know why it happens. after i 'died', not having anything more to lose,
anyway, it became obvious that i could 'fix' memory for this or that
interaction in folks' minds by just using my then-booming voice 'in anger'...
and there was a period during which i routinely did so.

i was just trying to 'plant seeds' that would, maybe, 'grow' in folks' minds as
a result of their 'recalling' the 'angry-booming-voice' stuff.

remember, i was 'dead'... could make no difference to me. all that mattered was
to get folks Thinking. and, at least with respect to some, that's exactly what

in the 'eyes' of other folks, though, the 'anger' became the main feature of my
'being'... what folks've witnessed, here and in other online 'places', is these
'thinking'-i'm-only-'anger' folks working to 'trigger' that 'anger that they
'thought' the 'knew so well'.

i'll give away, here, that all i ever do with such is 'have fun' with it while
extracting whatever usefulness there is in it, or mash it when necessary.

in the end, it's all 'just' more 'planting-of-the-seeds-of-memory' stuff... and
folks do remember.

'course, folks remember what's 'absurd', too. but the 'seeds get planted'.

and then there're the folks who've measured-well my 'deadness', and who believe
that no one would ever lend any credence to me being the progenitor of the work
i've done (i've this 'thing'. i 'like' to go intellectually-'incognito', kind
of like the TV character, "Columbo". i don't work at such. it just comes
naturally to me (take after my Father in this way. he's one of the
most-brilliant men i've ever known, but he 'hides' who he really is behind an
outwardly-'bemused' persona. then, as 'time' goes by, it becomes obvious that
he was actually way-ahead, in his understanding, all along. if 'you' think
about it, "you'll" see the 'seeds' of my learning to rely in Truth... couldn't
'sneak' a darn thing by Dad, so at an early age, i learned to be Honest, even
when it 'hurt'. with Dad, anything else was waste, anyway :-) so, my persona is
outwardly-'bemused', too, like my Father's, and, as a result, folks who don't
take the 'time' to consider, are always thinking that they can 'get-away' with
doing almost anything with respect to me. but i see pretty much everything, and
i've seen folks, routinely, 'come' and 'just' take stuff of my work as if i'm
some kind of no-charge wharehouse-store of ideas... and it hurts, big-'time',
because i pretty-much-always see, in real-'time' (although i do try to wander
around 'naively', in order to give folks 'time' for 'benefit of the doubt'
stuff), what they're doing, and the unthinking-unkindness that's in their
'helping-themselves' to what i did for the Children, and what's 'cost' me
everything that they 'seek' to gain for themselves.

if folks look-and-see, they'll see that i've endeavored to delimit my
'reactions' to such stuff to issuing 'Warnings' with respect to it.

Why the 'Warnings'?

it's simple.

in the not-too-distant Future, there'll be machines that have the capacity to
sort-out historical data, making the History of events that seemed 'secret'
while they were unfolding, 'just' plain-to-See.

the 'Warnings' are with specific respect to this eventuality.

Jesus Spoke Truly [paraphrase], "There is nothing whispered in the night that
will not be spoken, plainly, in the light of day."

but anyway, i was Free to take action, and i found my 'dead-ness' to be a
'state' in which stuff that folks deem 'difficult' is flat-out-easy to do.

so i did it.

some've commented upon my 'being unaware', but that's just the
going-intellectually-incognito stuff, and i am aware, for instance, that there
is a Great Revolution happening in America with respect to This Nation's
Children... HURRAH!

it's just that, although i've seen 'the connection' all along, that stuff is
=your= work, not mine. i'm not out-there organizing affairs, teach-ins, on
behalf of the Children. and i'm not out-there making encouraging Government,
Educators, Media folks, and folks in Religion to lift-up the Children... that's
the work =you've= done.

i 'kick-and-fuss' online when opportunities come up, but i've not done any of
the stuff that, so-robustly, constitutes the stuff of this Revolution that's
happening in America with respect to This Nation's Children.

=You= have done that stuff, not me.

my chosen 'battle-field' is that of Science. that's where i do my work. i chose
it because i saw that it was a 'well-spring place' in which what was
'springing' wasn't Truth. and i set out to Fix-that.

that's what i do.

don't get the all-very-find... Awesome, really, stuff that =you= do mixed-up
with the extremely-delineated stuff that i do.

i'm going for the Heart of the "Beast". it's =your= work, which "you're",
=obviously=, doing pretty-well that blankets the Children in Love.

Do such Well. Do such more and more. Do such Relentlessly. Teach the Children
to do such, as they come-up in their capacities with respect to such.


for my part, i've been just a 'clerk', at your service, in =your= endeavor.

it's why, to some, i've seemed 'unaware'... i've got the one-thing that needs
to be done Rigorously, in a way that meets all Tests that Science can, and
Must, heap up against it.

unless Life goes out of me prematurely, i'll =Not= Fail in this one thing.

it's all very-intense, just now. Thank You for your Patient Endurance.

K. P. Collins (ken)

More information about the Neur-sci mailing list