In the end, it's Inconsequential
k.p.collins at worldnet.att.net
Mon Aug 19 16:20:36 EST 2002
I'll be homeless before the Awards come out this year.
Won't be able to receive the call, even if it were to come.
Joke's on me.
But it's so 'strange' that, in all these years, I've not been able to
get a single legitimate response to the work I've done.
The only Sad thing is that I've discussed less than 1% of the work
I've done [down-graded my estimate, again, when I realized that
"neural topology" 'had not communicated'.
Seems that the 99%+ will go-homeless with me.
I'm Ashamed of that, but I've been living on air for years already.
Guess I'm 'Breakable', after all.
If anyone's saved the all the years' past msg traffic, search, in it,
Then, read back in my posts a few weeks from that date.
You'll find that every 'time' there was 'danger' of my winning a
I'm vulnerable to such, because, if I don't speak-up against the
threats of violence, then, because I hold the understanding, I'd be
But, of course, when I do speak-up, knees jerk all over the u. s. a.,
'because' I'm expressing 'criticism' of 'governmental' position.
I Honor Truth.
Got 'easier', just now, when I read that this year's Nobels will be
given out only after I've lost-everything.
"It's just human nature."
"There's nothing that can be done about it."
Surely, it's been calculated against-me, all along.
I admit, I Saw 'offers', but the cost was 'two' high - the abandoning
It's about that "book" that bares all, and that it fell to me to
I was 'buried' before I wrote its first word, wasn't I?
Just lack sufficient 'social intelligence' to 'jump in the hole
that'd been prepared for me.
It's 'weird', though, to Witness folks Murdering the Children - even
in the name of 'morality'.
Must be a macroscopic form of 'quantum weirdness' that's
Makes just as much 'sense' - none at all :-] <-- "Iron Giant" smiley.
There are a few Great Sorrows, interspersed.
Even 'nasa' got it's hands dirty, this day :-]
A veritable 'cold war', totally alligned-Against-Truth - Knowingly
And there's no one else who'll meet such head-on?
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for
your country." [John Fitzgerald Kennedy]
Seems 'you' only got the first-part, no?
Anyway, I'm Ashamed of myself.
I Compromised myself because I was so 'desperate' to be able to make
a Gift of the rest of the work I've done - "Award Fever".
Now, I just Ache.
See more everyday.
More-surely-Dead the more I See.
Where is Hope?
Slaughtered, along with folks' own Children.
FWIW, the way things've gone correlates best with this version of
'bionet.neuroscience' being hosted on a clone server.
It's easier to 'believe' that than to believe that there's no one
who'll not 'move away from' NDT's understanding.
So, it really doesn't matter what I write - it's all like "The
Matrix" - artificial world.
I 'cry-out', and 'the monitors' 'scratch their heads' with respect to
whether or not they should pass-it-through to the open version of
Never allowing what needs to be said actually be said.
I'm sure they 'rationalize' by invoking 'patriotism', etc., but all
they're actually doing is 'covering-their-butts' stuff.
It's so Sorrow-Filled.
They Know me - they Know my 'heart', through and through, Background
Investigation, and all.
Yet they've given-themselves-up thousands of times.
Each time, I've resolved to 'hold open the door'.
Living in Agonizing self-Questioning - 'wondering' if my Rationale
for 'holding open the door' is impure - selfishly-motivated?
It's why, in the end, I always grab TSEOTS.
But it's 'hilarious' - no one has comprehended what that's all about.
So the Joke's on me.
The other thing has been that, because I wanted to 'hold open the
door', I've written my posts in a way that crams stuff in, at many
'levels', for many folks' differentiated points-of-view, but which
'never' 'traps' anyone.
The result is that I've 'trapped' myself :-]
FWIW, I've understood all along, as I Hoped against it, that things
could go this way.
Still Glad I Tried.
It's just so 'funny' the way so much 'behind-the-scenes stuff has
come-together in Symmetry, converging upon this 'time' [this 'time',
a few weeks hence].
It's the main reason I Know no one will ever allow me to meet
It's 'hilarious' - can't even talk about the everyday stuff of my
Being - it's been so 'strange' that, just telling it, unembellished,
tells stuff folks don't want told :-]
So, the only thing left to me is "Exile" - not for anything I've
done, but for stuff that I've witnessed that folks don't want to see
the Light of day.
Wouldn't be so bad if there were any jobs in the 'place' of my Exile.
Could still come home to veg-out in front of the boob-tube - you
know - stay Alive in order to just Honor the Life in-me.
Instead, it looks like it'll just be a sort of 'winking-out'.
The "slow-'bullet'", finding my 'heart', at last.
It's 'hilarious'. In the depths of it, I thought of 'taunting' folks
to take up a collection so that they could hire an assassin.
"That's too good for him."
Surely, I've 'committed High Crimes" - every one of them, against
I've even 'wondered' if, somehow, my genetic material turned up at
the wrong coordinates of the Universe.
My 'day' is about 26 'hours' long, after all. Must've been meant for
Life on a different planet, but ended up here on 'earth'. [Actually,
the 'extended-day' is due to my nicotine use. My
'sleep'-consciousness cycle rotates around the clock when I'm
smoking, but syncs-up and snaps-back to 24-'hours' when I quit.]
"How can he expect anyone to interact normally with him if he's so
How can anyone be 'normal' when no one interacts with him 'normally'?
Anyway, I Apologize for 'compromising" by trying to 'walk-the-line'
between doing what needs to be done and Award-stuff.
I understand that it hasn't been 'pretty'.
...."Whoops-a-daisies!"... "Whooooooooaaaa"... "Umph"...
O_ ... "Groan:... "Sigh"... "How far down is it?"... "Oh well."
Long ago, I just decided to do what needed to be done.
Perhaps folks'll 'discover' my work after the "slow-'bullet'" does
Like I Discovered my Mothers Work, only too-late, and like I'm only
now Discovering my Father's work, also only too-late.
Doesn't do aything for those who did the Work, but too-late is better
than Never, no?
I'll Die Hoping for 'you' in this way.
[I'm not 'depressed'. It's just my 'funny' way of saying what needs
to be said. I am Angry at my 'Exile', though.]
K. P. Collins
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