They way I see your problem is not that it is about what you have written or
even how you present and push it, but _that your urge to do so is so strong
that you seem to (by what you have told us) ruin your life, including
financially, just to for the sake of keeping on pushing against a proven
I am sure you have a good idea of what brain and personal-historical
dynamics produces symptoms covered by the term neurosis; and THAT when a
person is still more "out of (self-regulatory) control" [or, IOW, when the
quantity of pain in the Actention Selection System (~= brain) is so severe
that an individual's AEVASIVE survival strategies clearly starts to crumble]
then psychological symptoms roughly covered by the term psychosis "start to
poke, paranoically, up their by torment twisted heads" (pooetically put
Clearly, your early life-circumstances put specific CURSES [or specific
locales of "primal pain", "traumatic memories", and "engrams" (I list the
last ~synonym~ reluctantly, because it is a word specifically in use amongst
Scientologists)] into your brain.
These CURSES (originally environmentally caused by specific "selective
Hibernation imploring type situations" (or from simple to complex ditto
"stressors")) can be described as the most centrally significant chronic
insidious quasi-endogenous causes of "precisely neuroanatomically localized
places of "covert" TD E/I (up).
IOW (again making use of your vocabulary and visualizing vantage-point), by
pain-"gating" mechanisms imperfectly "covered TD E/I up".
So find a way to make money, eat well (boost your intake of good nutrients),
find a diverting hobby.
And if you then can afford to have a "free will" to do Primal Therapy
(www.primaltherapy.com), I would then be able to sincerely say to you: "You
made a good choice!".
After you have sorted things out in such ways, you would be much more free
to forage into the field of neuropsychophysiological philanthropy, and to do
so much more effectively -- if it WOULD still tickle your fancy.
And, IMO, there is a fair chance that it would. :-)