Why have I turned 'hard'?
It stems from stuff that's happening offline.
Over the years, I collected old movie videos - you know - the
'extras' that video rental places offer for sale after folks've
viewed them, and they're becoming 'old-hat' stuff - I selected each
of the ones I purchaced because it had some insightful stuff that I
wanted to share with my future Family - you know - the Family I'd
'surely' have once the 'dust settled' with respect to the work I do -
you know - this stuff that just needed to be done.
I dreamed of a gentle Life, in the embrace of a Woman who just Loved
me - a little house with a lot of flowers planted all around,
cook-outs with the neighbors and their Children - a solid place. And,
for our own Children, I was collecting a bunch of Children's flicks,
again with a mind on the values they'd convey to my Children.
But, last week, having reached the point of no return, and not
wanting this collection to go unappreciated, I gave it to folks
who've been Kind to me over the years.
I'm still working through all that's entailed - and it's still
getting worse - no 'bottoming-out' yet in sight.
It's why I've 'turned hard'.
Truth inherent is unavoidable. Since it just needed to be done -
since I had to do it - I did the work I've done as my way of
'securing' this little Family 'dream'. It's 'funny' - and telling
with respect to my 'self'. I 'thought' that, for sure, if only I
persisted, folks'd finally get it, and I'd be 'esteemed' for havig
worked so devotedly to lift folks up above hatred. Nothing 'fancy',
but the Woman who'd Love me would just understand all that was
entailed, and resect me for that.
Perhaps, if folks here in b.n look abckward a bit, they'll be able to
see what has been my building 'angst'. My 'whining' has been with
respect to my dying Hope for having my own Family - it's been
incredible to me that folks'd put the 'value' of the small stuff for
which I've asked ahead of this other stuff that folks, surely, want
for themselves - that folks'd take even my 'ability' to hold my head
up, within a Family of my own, rather than just meet with me,
in-person, to Joyously, do Science together.
I've not talked about this stuff - at least not directly [other than
my recurrent lament with respect to "my Children never being born"],
because it's outside the relam of Science, and, so, 'inappropriate
for discussion here in b.n.
But this stuff has to be discussed Forthrightly because it goes
directly to the 'heart' of "man's inhumanity to man' - folks're so
'callous' that they can't see the ramifications of their 'moving away
from' decisions in the Lives of others - but there it is, my simple
Hope of being in the embrace of a Woman who Loves me - the
opportunity to try to be a Loving Father to my own Children - so
'casually' 'flipped-off' by folks who could've fit me in, to just do
Science together, hundreds of times over.
Instead, the Science still lays 'dormant', still in need of
fulfilment, and Humanity is left in the darkness of Ignorance which
mercilessly Ravages it.
I'm still trying to 'get my arms around' all of this.
My 'heart' is heavy.
I've been going around, 'praying' [I'm almost always Praying - I'll
coment further with respect to such, below] - but, instead of my
usual Prayers, I've been going 'praying', "Life sucks! God - but
Thank You for it."
It seems this is all I can 'pray' these days. Even my formal Prayers
just reiterate this lament.
To have given myself so completely in the service of folks who'd do
such in return is exceedingly-'heavy' stuff to discern.
I'm working on trying to find my way through it.
My almost-always Praying: I've =long= been aware that, because
whenever I 'sense' TD E/I-minimization happening with respect to this
or that that I'm working to reify, the first thing I do is 'drop
everything' and Pray in Thanksgiving for this, yet another, insight,
that stopping-to-Pray in the midst of the heat of the battle has been
a main thing in what has been the steady accumulation of insights
that've come together in NDT [and TH]. Way back early-on, the
stopping-to-Pray, unknown to me, greatly assisted in the 'capturing'
of this or that that was in the TD E/I-minimization-correlated
'insight'. My stopping to Pray required me to 'hold' the TD
E/I-minimized activation 'state'. The result was that the little
'wispy' stuff was inadvertantly 'strengthened' - 'holding'-onto-it
while I Prayed, forced it's becoming strengthened - it also 'forced'
me to 'stop' and attend solely to it.
Anyway, it works :-]
And I want to pass the technique on to others who are seeking a way
to 'grasp' TD E/I-minimization when it occurs, 'wispily', within.
For the past ~20 years, it's been a main strategy in my personal
It's an awesomely-strong problem-solving 'tool', and, of course,
Prayer is Prayer. I'm not 'discounting' that the 'methodology' is
essentially 'just' Prayer :-]
Try it. You'll be amazed at the power in-it.
"Life sucks! God - but Thank You for it."
I don't know the course that my working-through the 'crashing' of my
Hopes for my Life will take. I'll probably be 'on the warpath' for a
I =hate= Injustice, and experiencing it so thoroughly, and so
first-hand, just rips-out my 'heart'.
So I thought it'd be at least the Forthright thing to do to try to
convey to folks whence comes my 'angst'.
Right now, I'm not in a mood to 'take prisoners'.
I'm Wrong in that, but that's my current circumstance.
So, tread lightly, and I'll do what I can on my end of things.
The thing that's gotten my attention most completely is the 'Official
Obfuscation that's being heaped-up upon the U. S. Citizenry.
With respect to such, I flat-out =WARN= those involved to =CEASE=
such Immediately, or I'll flat-out bring-you-down.
K. P. Collins
"Schmitd! Schmitd! Ve vill build a Shapel!"