"KP_PC" <k.p.collins at worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:DRokb.184205$0v4.14228183 at bgtnsc04-news.ops.worldnet.att.net...
| More thoughts-to-myself, tossed into
| 'the wind'.
|| Skip-it unless you're 'bored'.
|| "KP_PC" <k.p.collins at worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
| news:fynkb.6643$Ec1.604126 at bgtnsc05-news.ops.worldnet.att.net...| | [...]
| A 'dam' is bursting within me as I write
| this. I finally Understand some stuff of my
So, one 'goes' and does what needs to be
But, since it needed to be done, it wasn't
out0there before, so it's 'unfamiliar'. So,
even though it needed to be done, folks
'move away from' it be-cause it's 'unfam-
Whivh leaves the one who did what need-
ed to be done 'alone' - 'unpopular'.
That's NQI. I'm aware that it might be the
case that folks've been following the dis-
cussions of NDT & TH, seeing their stuff,
but not being sure of how they should re-
>From my 'side' of things, it's been a di-
lemma - I had to do what needed to be
done, but feel it's Wrong to 'profit' from
just doing what needed to be done. One
just does stuff tat needs to be done be-
cause, if one doesn't, then things 'just'
go-badly, all-around - and, if one could've
done what needed to be done, and didn't,
then things' going-badly all-around would
have been one's Fault.
So, one just does what needs to be done.
In my case, there's been some 'misery'
in all of this. I was raised to stand on my
own two feet, and never encumber others
by asking their assistance.
But, to do what needed to be done, since
it was not yet out-there, I had to choose
between doing it and being able to sustain
my existence - be-cause, since it was not
yet out-there, no one recognized it when I
tried to get it published, and, before that,
no one recognized it when I was in college
and grad school - so I had to do it without
the possibility of earning Life's sustinance
through the doing of it.
Which made the doing of it almost impos-
sible - 'cause, how does one do anything
if one has to spend all of one's energy in
order to feed and shelter one's self?
So, do you see the dilemma.
Raised to Loathe 'begging', I, nevertheless,
had to beg - "Please, I need some means to
feed and shelter myself so that I can finish
doing this stuff that needs to be done."
But, be-cause what needed to be done was
'unfamiliar', my begging evokes 'jaw-hang-
ingness' fon the parts of folks who are so
It's been Hard. I was never begging on my
own behalf, but I understand that that's how
my begging probably appeared to most folks
who encountered it.
And there it is - my 'life' consumed in having
to be in this 'state' of begging that is the
anathema of the way my Folks raised me.
It's been the cruelest-possible circustance
in which I could've existed - like being
'skinned-alive' - like being separated from
all that's most-dear to one.
And the Hilarious thing is that no one other
than me could even catch-a-glimpse of the
heart-rending-ness that's in-there.
It's why I've been so 'stinky' - self-preserva-
tion in the midst of being 'skinned-alive' -
stripped of all that Being-a-Man had come
to mean to me.
Couldn't earn my sustinance through the
doing of this stuff that just needed doing.
So, I had to beg.
The begging bore only negative fruit - the
break-ins, and the continual harrassment
of being under-scrutiny.
But all that was as a stimulus that galvanized
my spirit to, all the more, just do what needed
to be done.
It's 'funny' how stuff like this unfolds.
I really don't want any assistance, but, if I don't
receive any assistance, how do I stay-alive to
finish doing what needs to be done?
Or, am I done?
Have folks gotten Tapered Harmony's new
Reification of physical reality?
Have I done enough?
Are folks 'taking the adobe from my hands'
[like in =The Lillies of the Field]?
Can I 'go away', now?
Or do I have to do more?
It looks like the sale of Dad's House will
soon be consumated. That'll mean that I'll
be able to pay for my trailer, and that I can
survive on my earnings at "K. P."
Rake the leaves, shovel the snow, mow the
grass, for the elderly folks who live around
Get some new tires for my car.
Go to Mass - Pray.
Explore new stuff at my leisure.
But my Children will never be born,
and that Hurts, some.
Such a complete-'emptiness' because of
that one thing. It's really all I've ever wanted
for myself - but it ain't gonna happen, is it?
It's 'funny' how Life goes.