spouses & mobility

Karen Allendoerfer ravena at cco.caltech.edu
Mon Jun 23 22:34:34 EST 1997

In article <Pine.A41.3.96.970623112632.84046E-100000 at musca.unm.edu>,
Linnea Ista <lkista at UNM.EDU> wrote:
>On 23 Jun 1997, Bharathi Jagadeesh wrote:
>> Well, I wrote without seriously considering, but the main reason 
>> that I suggested that it's not very helpful is most peple, these 
>> days, get tenure-track positions at the age of 30-35. It is possible 
>> to delay starting a committed relationship until then (or as is more 
>> common, engage in a series of semi-committed relationships that end
>> with moves). But doing  so entails significant sacrifices, and must 
>> involve an acceptance of the possibility of never marrying, and 
>> certainly of never having children, at least for women.

>My god! I didn't realize that I was at such an advanced, decrepit age when
>I got married :-). And that I was seriously in danger of never getting
>married :-). And here I made it all the way down the aisle without
>my walker :-). Seriously, unless you are going to have a lot of children,
>30-35 is not too late, in my opinion to start a family.

I should hope not!  It's great that you're keeping your sense of humor
about this topic, especially in this culture where the myths and
stereotypes are so pernicious . . . 

Another stereotype that is really unhelpful in this regard is the idea
that women should date/marry men who are older than they are.  This
is often going to put the woman in the position of being one step behind
and having to follow him around.

A lot of men do care about this issue and are supportive of their
wives' careers, but when it comes down to making the best decision 
"for the family," or "for both of us," then whoever is older and more
advanced is just going to carry more career weight, through nobody's

I've heard that men don't want to date women who are older than they
are, but at least in my case, that has turned out not to be true at
all.  In fact, men who are happy to date women who are a few years older
than they are can turn out to be extremely open-minded and supportive.

Sometimes it's worth looking beyond the stereotypes.


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