Return to study?

Gerd Nilsen gerdn at ibg.uit.no
Thu May 24 04:29:58 EST 2001


On 21 May 2001 07:37:46 +0100, "Debbie" <noemailplease at here.com.au>
wrote:

>Hi all,
>I am a 38 y.o. mother of two teenagers, currently doing a preparatory course
>for uni., hoping to do a biomedical degree next year. I was wondering if
>there are any women reading this newsgroup that have gone back to study
>after raising a family?
>How did you cope with family and study?
Try dealing with it the same way your husband would. That probably
means concentrating on the studies during the day and HELPING  in the
house at freetime. Studies should be your main object until you have
graduated. husband and teenagers are independent persons, not an
appendix of yours. They can manage to do housework and every other
thing that they have been used to having you dooing.  Main point of
beeing a working mother, is that you no longer live your life through
your family. That also means you are no longer in charge of the
housework.!  
If cleaning have been neglected for the past two months: Do not feel
guilty, if it was not your turn! Go to the gym or to the library
(train for a marathon, if the situation is really bad), if you can't
face the dust anymore . And don't forget to stop excusing the dust
when visitors arrive. Just tell them who was in charge this
week/month. 

> I haven't been in paid work for 15
>years, and am nervous enough about study, let alone worrying about
>"deserting" my teenagers (and husband) when they may most need me!
If they are more than 8, and don't suffer from any disablilities, they
actually do not need you to pamper them. They of cause need support
and someone to discuss things with. Be a person -  not a servant! Then
there will be enough time to take care of the family, in addition to
studies/job.  I gues the husband will be a bigger problem than the
teenagers, since he is older. If he can't adjust to the new situation,
tell him to hire someone to do his part of the housework (teenagers
normally are buyable, and tell the teenagers not to be cheap!) He
needs to be avare of the cost of having a servant at home.
You need to be very open about your need to be a person (since the
kids can not anymore function as an excuse for staying at home), and
that meaning you are not their servant anymore. 
>How did you all deal with the guilt? 
Same way your husband does!
And don't forget that going to work makes you an independent person
which your kids will appreciate when they move out of the house, (and
don't want to worry about you beeing lost and lonely) -  if not
earlier. And probably going to work also means better economy for the
family; I have never met a teenager that do not find that very useful.
>(And your schedules!)
Same way your husband does! Count hours spend doing housekeeping, for
both of you. (Don't forget to count the hours you spend worrying about
the housekeeping)  Preferably divid into boring/fun work and then
figure out a shedule that gives you both a fair share of both. (Or
delegate the boring stuff to the teenagers.)

>I apologise if this is not the correct forum in which to be asking these
>questions.
I think this is excactly the right forum, since this is the kind of
problem most mothers face.

Gerd




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