>Why did you
> respond to the problems through depression rather than by modifying
your
> behavior to fit as do the norm?
It is precisely this question, "Why can't you just act normal?" that I
have always found so offensive. The idea that curbing my own attitudes
and behaviors was/is the only way to gain any social acceptance is more
than depressing, it's infuriating. To actually answer the question, I
_did_. For years. It just made me less happy, more depressed--I didn't
want to act like that, to pretend to think like that, to always have to
remember that talking about zoology is "weird" and talking about shoes
is "not". Living a sham just so that some people at school would talk to
me about stuff I didn't care about was not exactly thrilling. I am
driven to paint, write, and draw, but not little cute bunnies and
advertising art; not what "people want to see". Why should I whore
myself away trying to act like everybody else? Because that's the only
way to get everybody else to accept me? Well, fine, then, it's not worth
it. If somebody isn't mentally flexible enough to accept me even though
I don't conform, I don't want anything to do with them either, so I call
that a fair deal. It was only a huge problem when being young meant the
system had a right to force me into situations in which not forcing
myself--rather unsuccessfully--into some artificial mold could even
result in ongoing physical violence.
> Highly creative individuals tend to be restless, and have a strong
drive to
> find relief through creative problem solving. Perhaps this might lead
such
> individuals to actively seek problems?
Yeah, yeah, that's what teachers and parents and so forth said I was
doing when I "insisted" on wanting to talk about things that others
didn't, had interests they didn't, etc. I learned early that not
actively trying to conform all the time is called "trying to be
different" and stating opinions significantly different from others' is
"trying to provoke a response". Not doing exactly what others want me to
do is "intolerant"--but so is asking them to do what I want! In other
words, if I don't spend my life just looking for potential problems, and
if I don't constantly try to modify myself to avoid them, this is called
"looking for problems". I don't want a life of turmoil because I'm
creative; I'd much rather have a rational and interesting debate than an
argument, any time. I would just like this whole idea that conformity is
normality struck off the lists, actually. If people find my very
existence provoking, so be it--that doesn't mean I want them provoked.
It wasn't my idea. There is merit in the idea, in that I've always
rather enjoyed challenging things like puzzles and hiking through
complex ecosystems, and I always push myself farther in my art, but I
would very much prefer smooth interpersonal relations to stormy, and
have always resented suggestions to the contrary.
>Highly creative individuals also tend
> to display a fascination with contradiction, disorder, and imbalance.
> Perhaps this trait biases the individuals perceptions of a problem? An
> example of these traits in action might be seen in the ingrained
> contrariness common in highly creative individuals. Perhaps, by
placing
> themselves in conflict with their environment they ensure an abundance
of
> stimulation?
I found myself in conflict with my environment. I hated this. I was
called contrary and everything else you say here; it wasn't true.
"Contrariness" indeed. I find it far too important to understand the
world, and even human society, to be "contrary", or any other "let's
always knee-jerk the same response" attitude, but I don't hold my tongue
when I think someone's wrong, and thus got labeled "argumentative". "Why
couldn't you just keep your mouth shut?" "But Mom, he said all green
snakes are poisonous, and they aren't!" "Well, who cares? There wouldn't
have been a conflict if you'd kept your mouth shut." "But it wan't
true!" "Oh, why do you have to be so contrary all the time?"
> I am not familiar with studies regarding chronic depression and
creativity.
> The focus of my posts has been on severe depression. In cases of
severe
> depression self-reproach is more common than self-pity. That is,
individuals
> suffering from severe depression may tend to focus more on internal
> conditions than on external conditions.
Yeah, had that. "It's all my fault nobody likes me; why _can't_ I just
be like everybody else? What's wrong with me!They're right; it's all my
fault". It's just not true, though, and I know that now.
>Perfectionist tendencies seen in
> many highly creative individuals may result in the development of
internal
> criticisms and conflicts much along the same lines as those you sense
from
> the world around you.
Could be... if I feel that I am not able to communicate myself on a
level which other people are able to understand, I do often feel that
this could be a failing in myself. In art, I will re-do it until it's
perfect or I'll throw it away, and that could well be why people who
don't understand what I'm saying often tell me I'm rather going on... I
will repeat things with different words until I think the listener has
the faintest inkling of what I'm saying, and it took me years to figure
out why this upsets people: it's because they actually don't care what
I'm trying to say. Understanding the basic gist or gloss is enough for
them, and they don't understand why I feel something has not been
accomplished. So yes, once it becomes clear that this is happening I do
conform, like you recommend, and for the sake of calm I don't bother
trying to make myself understood. But of course, I wouldn't have been
talking in the first place if it wasn't at least to some degree
important to me, so here we have yet another case of me sublimating
myself to the other's personality, which is the behavior I have always
been taught is called "acting normal". Thank goodness I have a few
friends now who do think language is for more than simple "organism
here; organism there?" communication!
> Depression seems simply an extreme response to a problem.
Sure.
>And, creativity is
> simply a method of problem solving.
What problem do I solve by conceptualzing and writing about a group of
organisms colonizing Jupiter? Or by doodling horses on the backs of
envelopes? Creativity is a _force_, akin to hunger or fear a tendency to
lead or follow. It can be used as, and probably developed as, a useful
mental tool--build a better hut than your neighbors--but what problem
was solved by painting bison on cave walls millennia ago? Maybe they
thought it would help them catch food, magically, but maybe they just
felt like doing that, too. It is with words that I find my creativity
flowing most, and yet I am not a lawyer and my book hasn't sold yet, but
I keep on doing it--what problem does this sove for me? In my opinion,
it fulfills the need to write, solves the burning problem of not being
writing. That makes it a totally reflexive tool in this case.
>Nothing in this suggests that creativity
> necessarily leads to depression; or that depression necessarily leads
to
> creativity. However, it seems unlikely that the two do not interact.
Again, sure. Fair point.
> Further, the strong similarities between the symptoms of depression
and
> behaviors normally observed during the incubation stages of the
creative
> process should not be ignored. Many (not all) cases of depression may
merely
> be extremes of the incubation process and may play an important role
in the
> development of the individual. (Dabrowski's Theory of Positive
> Disintegration suggests something similar).
Well, to shoot off on a tangent, the thought processes of someone who
_has been_ depressed are often clearer and more focussed than they were
before the depressive bout, and this is also true of a painter before
and after the work, so quite possibly both situations stimulate a state
of mind from which it is likely one will emerge "better off" than when
one went in... In other words, both might be a "deliberate" action on
the part of the brain to produce certain neurotransmitters, etc., which
it (the brain) "considers" a good prescription for the problem at
hand--or as a building tool to a better state, as I find that I often
don't have a "problem" at moments when I am compelled to produce art.
--Katrina
