humor

wise at VAXA.CIS.UWOSH.EDU wise at VAXA.CIS.UWOSH.EDU
Fri Apr 26 23:49:17 EST 1996


     Copy of a briefing from the Euorpean Environmental Agency to the US
EPA.  Finally, plants have their say.

Bob Wise

*****************************

THIS IS AN INTERNATIONAL UPDATE ON HOW POLITICS HERE AFFECTS 
     EVERYTHING, INCLUDING THE WEATHER!!
     
     
     We're touch and go with spring over here.  Only rained a bit yesterday 
     morning, enough to trick the plants into continuing their blooming.  
     Then the sun attacked again at about 1400.  The plants are getting upset 
     and the headlines in the paper this morning indicate that if things 
     don't go to the plants liking, the Student's, Farmer's and Fishermen's 
     strikes and demonstrations will have to be rescheduled to allow the 
     plants to demonstrate in front of parliament in a wildcat strike within 
     the next two days.  A European Union resolution has been issued to 
     require the sun to appear before the Court of Justice to explain it's 
     outlaw behavior.  There is some consideration to pulling the clouds into 
     the hearing as well, because the plants are saying that the clouds and 
     the sun are in this thing together and have teamed up against them.  
     
     The animal activists are signaling grave concern, because of the 
     impact on the poor animals if the plants go on strike, i.e, no shade , 
     no food, etc.  The European Integrated Evaluators of Isolated Ozone 
     (EI-EI-O) are sounding alarm because of the possible oxygen depletion 
     and the pending rise in the level of carbon monoxide, due to all the 
     vehicle traffic, and are calling for drastic measures to restrict the 
     use of automobiles and trucks.  The gasoline companies are threatening 
     to torch the EI-EI-O unless they back off, expecting a significant 
     decrease in sales. The environmentalists are going crazy here 
     literally, and are in the woods everywhere, down on their knees 
     communing with the plants, trying to work this out at the lowest 
     level.
     
     Things are fairly normal here on environmental issues, so I don't think 
     I will need the tailored briefing to the EPA, and the 
     "regular-one-size-fits-all" would be more appropriate for my needs.  I 
     prefer by E-mail, however, since sending more paper into the country 
     right at this moment could upset the ecological balance just negotiated 
     between the environmentalist group, Conserving Nature Significantly 
     (CNS), and the tree representative organization, All Trees Mature 
     (ATM).  
     
     The newspaper Le Soir carried the following huge headline this morning 
     on the agreement, "Environmentalists and Trees Agree. CNS/ATM 
     Agreement Will Have International Impact!"  The story goes on to 
     describe the agreement whereby only the most aging trees will be taken 
     out of service and then only when their life extension programs, 
     certified by the Joint Arbre Authorities (JAA) have revealed that the 
     tree can no longer perform its intended function,and how this will be 
     communicated to the tree.  This has to be done by inspectors from the 
     Aging Forest Selection Service (AFS).  All these types of trees will 
     then be navigated over random paths or trails to the edges of the 
     woods for arrival at special collection points called Arbre 
     Intermediate Resting Point Of Removed Trees (AIRPORTs) under close 
     surveillance, provided by data link of ground positive soundings 
     (GPS).  Finally, any marks or damage done to the forest floor during 
     the movement over these random routes must be removed and the floor 
     restored by the All Terrain Covering (ATC) organization.  This is a 
     young, un-noisy environmental conscious group, the old heads having 
     left the service in 1981 for one reason or another.  Their attitude is 
     one of service to others without concern for self.
     
     For the moment, the system is stable as the clouds are currently 
     blocking the sun as required by the injunction issued late last night 
     resulting from an emergency meeting of the European Heads of State.  
     The UK Representative, Ima Leaf, is quoted as saying, "This puts our 
     Mad Cow Disease hoopla into the proper perspective where it belongs - 
     back in the barn and away from the media.  Now we branch out to 
     something that has import."  However, the tension is high and the 
     plants are poised.  It is a very fragile cease fire we have that could 
     be destroyed by the smallest action on any participants part.  The 
     plants' battle cry is, "Watch where you step.  You are treading on 
     dangerous ground!"  Their opponents say this attitude is the root of 
     the problem.
     
     I'll keep you advised.  Keep us in your thoughts back there 
     in THE REAL WORLD.
     
     
     Bonne journee, et 'bientot,
     
     
     Keith





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