Julia,
Thanks for your much needed reply.
You wrote:
>The hardest thing about "having it all" is being sure that the "all" you
>have is what you want, and not what society, mom, dad, your husband, your
>advisor, your neighbor, your chair or anyone else thinks you want...But I'd
be the first to admit that I've bought into a lot of other people's ideas
about what a "good mother" or "successful
>scientist" was, and it led to grief and stress. As another decade is about
to break over me, I'm trying to be more deliberate about what I want,
instead of what I "should" want.
I am sitting at my computer at 1:00 in the morning reassessing what it is
that I thought that I wanted. You are so right about the self-inflicted
expectations of family, etc... My mom wants me to be a writer/publisher,
because that is what I have always been talented in. (I am a graphic artist,
now. Virginia High School Writing Award, "A" average in all English classes,
etc...) My Dad has alway groomed me for science: weekends at Seaworld
seminars, walks on the beach with Marine Biology overtones, etc... because
he knows that I love animals, nature, being outdoors and learning about
"natural history." I always expected myself to become a large animal/exotic
vet, or a field biologist. Both of which, I gave up on to pursue other
temporary careers because of lack of money and dissapointment about my
"true" aptitude for these kinds of studies. I'm not sure that I have enough
of a competitive attitude to make it as a PhD scientist; mostly because I
don't care what other people think of my level of achievement anymore.
I, however, still care about my level of achievement. I tend to be a
perfectionist with an "all or nothing" attitude: "I either get a B in all of
my science classes, without breaking a sweat, or I change my major to
English where I can blow the socks off just about anybody.
One thing that really confused me was getting into Herpetology. I loved
it!!! I loved the field requirements, the evolutionary biology, the
variations in modes of reproduction, etc.... I did not do very well in the
class because of the physiology and bulk of memorization required. In fact,
after setting up (2) 50-ft. drift fences for a species survey, and
monitoring them twice a day for four weeks, I dropped the class at mid-term
because I had a good solid "D."
But, I can tell you the genus/species names of all of the frogs in NE
Florida and identify them by calls. I will never forget that information as
long as I live. :)
As far as kids are concerned: I simply want to have them, enjoy them, raise
them to the best of my ability and not "ruin" them for life. The funny thing
is: I daydream about teaching my son/daughter to set up drift fences on our
property to catch frogs and lizards...and about making christmas trees for
the birds out of suet ornaments and oranges. I never daydream about teaching
them to write a five page essay on Freudian thoery in Kafka's "The
Metamorphosis."
My advisor was mean to me today. That is probably the reason for my negative
attitude and total loss of self-confidence in my decision to finish my BS in
Biology. She said, "We try to treat you like adults here. I tell you what to
do and you do what you want anyway. If you keep jumping into upper-division
courses and failing them, you are going to pay the consequences of extra
tuition charges for repeating them. That your decision. But remember that we
always have the power to suspend. After your second try at Organic
Chemistry, taxpayers are paying for your tuition." I said: "Well, the G.I.
Bill doesn't pay for remedial courses that already have credit for. I'm
running out of benefits."
I felt like saying: Listen, B****, I am almost 30 years old, had a career in
the military, a career as a graphic artist and have payed for my own tuition
>From day one with, literally, blood, sweat and tears. Give me the f******
program of study, stop trying to call yourself a "counselor" and knock that
"M.S. in Allied Health Services" chip off of your shoulders.
Then, humiliated, I walked out into a lobby full of my peers and tryed not
to drag my chin on the ground as I left.
Well, anyway, thanks for letting me vent and thanks, again for replying...
Take care..
Amy Kinney, 84 credits
The wonderful University of North Florida
Jacksonville, Florida
Home of Lynrd Skynrd
